I was up late the other night and having my last smoke before I started to get ready for bed when I got very depressed all of a sudden. I had a doctor appointment the next day and I know that’s what did it. See, a few days earlier I had an appointment that I thought was going to be nothing. It urned out to be the worst day of my life so far. I just don’t even want to talk about it! So, I was scared that this appointment would be something horrible as well. I started crying and thinking some crazy thoughts. I decided that maybe if I wrote what I was thinking down then it would help. Be theraputic in some way I guess. Anyways, here is what I was thinking…

I WISH.

I wish I was healthy.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I was corageous.
I wish I was more than I am.
I wish I was calmer.
I wish I was tougher.
I wish I was brave.
I wish I was younger.
I wish I was hopeful.
I wish I was not crying.
I wish I was in no pain.
I wish I was done with this.
I wish I was not me.
I wish I was not depressed.
I wish I was more mobile.
I wish I was not nautious.
I wish I was comfortable.
I wish I was smiling.
I wish I was able to laugh.
I wish I was not suffering.
I wish I was not a burden.
Sometimes…
I wish I was dead.

I am so sicks of tests. I’ve been poked, examined, flipped over and injected and I have had my fill. Today I had a PET Scan and I hope I never have to do that again. It was alot like an MRI only worse. Plus, I was already having a pretty bad day. My pain has gotten real bad but I’m not sure if it’s from sleeping on this crappy couch or if the pain pills just aren’t working as good anymore. I’m going to try to sleep in the bed tonight and see if that helps any. If not then i’ll know that it’s the pills and i’ll call the doctor and demand something stronger. He told me to call if I need something stronger and that he’d be more than happy to get me something stronger. God, I love that man. He has been the only doctor who understands this pain. All the others would give me pills, but only 25. He gave me 50 and now 100. He says that my pain is the #1 thing he wants to take care of. He says that he doesn’t want me to bein pin for even one minuite and I agree with him. =]

Tomorrow morning, at 8:30am, I am going to the hospital to have the porta cath put in my chest. It’s basically a little part of an IV that they are surgically putting under my skin so that I won’t have to get poked over and over every day. They can just use this thing. =] This is SOOOO going to gross me out. I’m going to have this lump by my collar bone that has a flap on it. That will take some getting used to! Just the thought that I am going to have a foreign object in me that will stick out is icky. I’ll be able to feel it and see it too! I hope it’s not huge. *cringe* The whole thing just makes my stomach turn. Hopefully i’ll get used to it pretty quick. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to get this thing. It will make it so that I won’t have to get a new IV every day. My veins are so small that every time they try to stick me they always blow a vein or two before they make it work. My arms are all yellow, green and brown. From my wrists to my elbows. Oh well. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow! *sigh* I’m so tired af all of this already. I just want to curl into a little ball in the corner of a dark room and cry wile hideing from everyone. Everyone but my husband of course. I would not be sane right now if it wasn’t for him. =] I will never be able to thank him enough for his support and help through all of this. He is my life, my reason for living and my reason for fighting.

Chris, I love you and I am so glad you asked me to be your wife. =] Will you marry me again?? =] Kusse sweetie! =]

Hi gang, this is Chrispian, Aeryn’s geek. I’m guest posting for her while she’s being held hostage by the evil nurse. She wanted to tell everyone thank you for the support and kindness you’ve shown her. She [b]really[/b] appreciates it. You all rock!

Here is the udpate I posted on my blog with some details, more later when we get home:

We didn’t get good news yesterday. The went in and found that the cancer had spread to the wall of her bladder, which is what was causing her pain. The nerve endings from the bladder go up your back and that has been causing her pain. We still have a good shot at beating this with radiation/chemo and I’ll update on that plan when I have more time. Just dropped in for a quick shower and to share a quick update. She’ll hopefully get to go home tomorrow (Friday) morning. She had a rough night with a brutal nurse, but she’s had a much better day today and is recovering well. I’ll post more later. You can see pics here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrispian

Thanks to everyone for their support, everyone who’s come down to sit with us and everyone who sent nice cards and flowers. And a very special thank you to Nae from Lit.Org & Writing Forums – you made Aeryn’s day. Thank you so much for that!

Well, today is the last day of my freedom. I’ll be spending the next few days stuck in a hospital bed with NO INTERNET. Did you get that?? NO INTERNET! How am I supposed to deal with that? I guess i’ll have to. Also, this is the last day I will have my cervix, uterus, and some lymph-nodes. Let’s just call them my innards, shall we? I have been wondering, since they are taking these innards out, when they are gone what will take their place down there? Will my other organs just slide down a little bit? That’s just too creepy to think about. ICK!

I am happily giving up my innards because that will get rid of all the cancer, hopefully. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that I will get to keep my ovaries and that the cancer hasn’t spread to my lymph-nodes. It better not because either way I’ll kill it! Radiation and chemotherapy will kill it. >:] I imagine all this like a game of Unreal Tournament. The doctors are going in with their rocket launchers, plasma guns and grenades to attack and conquer this cancer for me. They will never know how grateful I am. They do things like this every day, but I don’t do this every day. This will change my life for the better. This will save my life and I will love them forever for this. =] I’ll just start stalking them and leave little thank-you notes wherever they go. hahaha I’m not weird, I swear!

15 hours to go and counting! I am excited and yet, scared shitless. =] That’s normal, right?

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