I know I haven’t posted an update in a while but I have a good excuse! My cat ate my blog entry! =] Anyways – I went to the hospital on 5/23 to have my smitt sleeve implant sewn into place and got to experience a few things for the first time. For example…

#1 – An Enema
Actually, it was 3 enemas. The nurse had to keep giving them to me until what came out was clear. The first one was a small bottle but the next two were huge tubs filled with water. Almost a gallon!!! My ass is STILL trying to recover from all that attention. I felt so used and dirty. Like a bad little girl. >:)

#2 – Being given a douche by a complete stranger.
This was probably the most akward moment because we were facing each other the whole time. At least with the enema my back was to her. So, while she administered the tootie-bath we chit chatted about my cancer, her kids, and an assortment of other topics. It would have been a very nice and enjoyable conversation if it weren’t for her giving me the coochie-flush.

#3 – Falling asleep while eating.
Due to all of the medications I was given by the surgeon, recovery nurses, and my radiation doctor I was messed up all night. I am told that I ate 31/2 pieces of pizza but I have no memory of this. The 1/2 was because I fell asleep in the middle of chewing. I woke up with a mouth full of some strange substance that was a little chewy and slimy. I had to pee so Chris helped me to the bathroom and I spit out whatever it was that was in my mouth. I thought that I must have vomited in my sleep and it just didn’t leave my mouth. I told Chris about it later and that’s when I found out about the pizza. I sort of remember something about pizza but I thought it was a dream. I guess not. =]

#4 – A Seizure
Yes, I said seizure! After I washed the pizza out of my mouth and used the bathroom I called out to Chris to come help me walk back to the couch. This was at 10:00pm and I still needed help walking. I told you I was DRUGGED up! =] Well, I remember him helping me walk about 2ft. from the bathroom door and then all of a sudden I was on the couch with Chris slapping my face. Can you imagine just how confused I was? Apparently I collapsed, my eyes rolled back in my head and I started convulsing. Chris picked me up and put me on the couch then called 911. The ambulance people were soooo nice and said that it was probably caused by all the different drugs I had in me. I told them that if it happened again then I would go to the hospital but not until then. I had already been to the hospital that day and I didn’t want to go again damnit! Well, it didn’t happen again. =]

#5 – Having a catheter inserted while I am AWAKE.
There is no way to describe what it feels like to get a catheterput in while you are awake and not on ANY drugs. It just feels wrong. Not real painful, just … WRONG. It also doesn’t help that some stranger has their face about 2 inches from your cooter while they part “the waters”. It’s just not comfortable! Then they tell you to “take a deep breath”. Whenever you are told that you know that you aren’t going to like what is about to happen. It feels just as weird when they take the catheter out. I have never felts anything like that before and when this is all over I hope I never have to get one again. *shiver* It’s just icky.

That’s about it. What really sucks is that before I leave home for each treatment I have to give myself an enama and a betadine douche. When they are getting me ready for a treatment they give me a foley catheter and stick some “rectal marker” up my butt. FUN! At least I only have 2 more treatments (Friday and Monday). Then I should get 1-2 weeks off to recover and then i’ll go in for some tests. I think I just have to have a CT Scan and a PET Scan. I hope they come back clean and cancer free. Please God, let me be cancer free! I don’t think I can take much more of this without going insane. I’m already considered weird so maybe insane isn’t too bad. =] Keep your fingers crossed for me! =]

How are you doing? Anything new? Heard any good gossip that you can share? Seen any good movies? =]

Well, I have about 9 hoursuntil I get my first enema. I’m not quite sure how to prepare myself for the anal intrusion. Plus, who exactly will do it? Should I make eye contact with whomever does the dirty deed or just avoid their eyes? Should I try to make small talk while this person fills my bowels? I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is for a butt douche.

The other thing that is bothering me is the fact that I am going to be knocked out while who knows how many doctors and nurses not only STARE at my pleasure palace but some of them will have their hands all up in there. Pay them? HAH! I’ll send THEM a bill for the coochie time. Would that be rude since they are only doing this to try to save my life? To hell with them! I want my coochie money!!!

Tonight is really going to suck because they have me on a clear liquid diet until midnight when I can’t eat or drink anything. They should be shoving food down my throat instead of starving me. I mean, I have fallen down to a boney 105 pounds. When all of this first started I was at 126 and now I am almost wasted away. It’s all their fault! I should send THEM a bill asking for $10.00 for every pound lost until the conclusion of all tests and treatments. Maybe then they won’t take their sweet time to come see me in the room from now on. I HATE to be put into one of those ugly doctor rooms only to wait 30 MORE minuites for him to come in. They could at least give you something to do while you wait besides a bunch of OLD magazines that nobody gives a shit to read. Why not put a TV in there? Video games? A computer WITH the internet? Instead I have to occupy myself by looking through the supplies, stealing some rubber gloves, playing with that pointy little thing you hit your knee with, and of course playing with a few tounge depressors. I just can’t help myself! It’s a sickness!

Last but not the least of my worries is the damn IV. I can not express to you just how much I hate needles. Rather, I am scared shitless of them. I won’t be able to sleep tonight because of all the damn IV thoughts. If I do sleep i’ll have nightmares about needles comming at me or something. It always happens! Tomorrow I will cry my sissy little eyes out and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. Aren’t they going to be “poking” me enough during the proceedure? Why poke my poor little arms? They are so small that they have to use a childs blood pressure cuff on me. The adult one is way too big and falls right off. Why can’t they give me Mr. Nose from the dentist? Let me huff on that shit for a while until I couldn’t give two shits about an IV or a damn liquid anal probe.

I can’t wait until I am done tomorrow. I am going to eat my little heart out. I’m STARVING!!!!! Oh, how I would love a big ol’ cheeseburger and some fries. Shit, even an apple!!! Well, wish me luck! =]

I am so excited! Monday was my last radiation! What does that mean? I get a week off! I don’t have to do anything for a week except have some blood drawn and an EKG. That won’t take long at all

The crappy part is that on Monday, the 23rd, I have to go to the hospital, get an IV, and have an implant. What that means is the doctors will knock me out, open my cervix and stitch a empty sleeve in place there. Sounds like fun doesn’t it!?!?

Then I will have to go for four more radiation treatments but this time I go the doctor will open me up, as in a pelvic exam, and place some HIGHLY radiated disks inside the sleeve and leave them there for 10-15 minutes. Then he will remove the disks and send me home until the next time.

What is really going to suck are the three things I will have to do before each treatment..

1. Have only clear liquids the day before an nothing to eat or drink after midnight.
2. Fleet enema(s) until clear (usually 2).
3. Betadine douche x1.

Not only that but when I go for my “surgery” Money they will give me an enema… THERE! While I’m AWAKE! I have never had an enema nor do I want one. Believe me when I say that they will have to catch me before they stick anything up my arse!

Oh well! I guess I will just have to be a good girl and let them do what they need to do. Then, after this I will go through some testing to make sure all of the treatments worked. So keep your fingers crossed an keep praying for me please I would love to be healthy again. Not only for me, but for my husband and our families. Well, here is a list of my treatments, just in case you wanted to know

5/18/05 – Pre-Op blood work
5/23/05 – Surgery
5/26/05 – Treatment
5/31/05 – Treatment
6/03/05 – Treatment
6/06/05 – Treatment

So, that’s it! How is your week going? Anything interesting going on besides going to see Star Wars? I am so there.

Have you been wondering where I have been? Well, get off my back, man! Give this white girl a break. I mean, I do have cancer! Hopefully not for much longer. Seriously, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I just haven’t felt quite like myself lately. So here is my fabulous update!

I went and had my chemo today, my radiation as well as a “G-Shot” to boost my white blood cell count. That is a given after the chemo and I am lucky enough to have to get another lovely shot again tomorrow. This was my 3rd one. Didi I mention that you get the shot in your belly and that it stings like hell during but also for a while afterwards too? It makes for a lovely few hours. Oh well! There is good news… I only have ONE more chemo left! After next Wednesday I should have no more chemo! Please, pray that i won’t need anymore. There is the chance I will need more, but I am trying to be positive.

Another good thing was that I didn’t cry today! Yay me! I always cry when I have to get poked with a needle and every Wed., before my chemo they take some blood. Well, I didn’t cry for that! Believe me, it hurts like hell when they put the needle in my port-a-cath but I didn’t cry!! I’ll have to post a pic of what they stick me with. It’s the weirdest looking thing. I also didn’t cry when I got the G-Shot. I rock! You should send me money, I did so good today! Or at least pray for me. Your support and prayers have really helped get me through all this. Thank you all!

One thing that really sucks about all this is that since I am sick and my white cell count is down I can’t really be around many people and there are many important days ahead, and soon! Two of my friends are getting married and one is graduating high school! Not to mention Mother’s Day this sunday. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want to go but I also don’t want to get any sicker than I already am. Maybe I should just get one of those masks the doctors wear in surgery. You know, like the one Michael Jackson wears sometimes. I guess I will have to just wait and see how it all goes.

This is my depressing life which isn’t quite as depressing since I was put on Paxil, an antidepressant, and Xanax. Now everything is just shits and giggles! That reminds me that I need to take my Imodium. So how are you? What’s new in your life? I honestly want to know! Humor me at least with some type of answer.

All Alone
no one near.
the air conditioner
is all I hear.

Buzzing Bees
and chirping birds.
What I want the most
is to hear only words.

Death surrounds
envelops me
why couldn’t this cancer
skip right past me?

Was I bad?
did I do something wrong?
Perhaps it was fate
or just chance all along.

Still I wonder
as I cry
Will this be the cause?
The way that I die?

As I look forward
to see how this will end
I will always remember
how my life truly began.

You never can truly appreciate your own life until you are faced with the possiblity of its end. I see everything clearly now. I see beautiful life and miracles all around me. It changes your perspective about everything. You will even look at each other in a different way. We are fighters. Tough to the bone and I am proud to fight along with them. To one day be able to say that I am a cancer survivor!