1. When you are sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7. When you are sick — Stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask; ‘because you are my friend’.

These just crack me up. :p

Bump…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…

FASTER…

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops. :24:

Good Day! You have a unique chance to forget this distress forever. Stop being a two pump chump. With all the reasons combated, Extra-Time is the unmatched comprehensive non-hormonal solution. We all hate her saying her previous partner did not finish that soon. Just take a look: some genaric link Keep her satisfied tonight and any night in the future. She’ll love it!

I just received this in my e-mail and it cracked me up enough that a tear fell down my cheek. (poetic, no? :3: ) That is really what it says, word for word. What really got me is the “two pump chump”. :24: I’ll be laughing at that part for days!

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, ” Sir , I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us, “said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.”

“Now, how about that drink?”

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Here are some ways to know if you’re a true Alabamian…

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, AL.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

6. You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are “fixin’ ” to send them to your friends.

Finally:

19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

“You wanna coke?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind?”

“Dr Pepper.”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work; too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “How about ‘elite chicken farmer?”
Stunned, the accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?”
“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

“Good enough.”

10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.

4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.

3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

My favorites are the cow and chicken ones!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”,
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for
his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then that’s when the
trouble started.

Shut up. You know it’s funny. :3: