Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7. When you are sick — Stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask; ‘because you are my friend’.

These just crack me up. :p

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:

Bump…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…

FASTER…

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops. :24:

Good Day! You have a unique chance to forget this distress forever. Stop being a two pump chump. With all the reasons combated, Extra-Time is the unmatched comprehensive non-hormonal solution. We all hate her saying her previous partner did not finish that soon. Just take a look: some genaric link Keep her satisfied tonight and any night in the future. She’ll love it!

I just received this in my e-mail and it cracked me up enough that a tear fell down my cheek. (poetic, no? :3: ) That is really what it says, word for word. What really got me is the “two pump chump”. :24: I’ll be laughing at that part for days!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, ” Sir , I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us, “said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.”

“Now, how about that drink?”

I got this in an e-mail and I just can’t stop laughing! So, I thought I would share it with you. :1:

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.