Oct 11

In need of something special!

posted in Cancer Sucks! on 10/11/05 at 04:10 AM
11 comments

It’s 4AM and I can’t sleep. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, in 4 hours actually, with my Cancer Specialist. I get so stressed out and worried about my appointments that I can NEVER sleep the night before. :42: I just sit here thinking about everything I have been through this past year. All the tests, needle pokes, radiation, chemotherapy, surgery, pain and loss. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about one specific thing that I have lost. Due to my treatments I am no longer able to have children.

My husband and I have always said that we don’t want any, but what if we would have changed our minds down the road? What if my husband changed his mind? After all, we are both young. I’m only 25, dammit! Now, because of this damn cancer I am going through menopause and having to take hormone pills every day. It’s always just one thing after another. I mean, menopause at 25 already makes me feel like I don’t fit in with people my age. I mean, my friends can’t really relate to hot flashes, MASSIVE mood swings, etc., let alone understand what I am going through.

I know it’s just me being silly but now I feel like less of a woman. The ONE special thing that I could do, make a life and give birth to it, is gone. If I chose to, I could make a person that was 1/2 the person that I love and 1/2 me. What can I do now? What can I do that is special? I know I didn’t want kids but if I had, I COULD. Now, no matter what, I CAN’T. So, What is my special thing now? :106: The one thing that only I can do? Hopefully I will find one soon.

Whew! I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Blogging is my form of therapy, plus, it’s a whole lot cheaper! :4:

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 11th, 2005 at 4:16 am and is filed under Cancer Sucks!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

11 Responses to “In need of something special!”

1 lorna Says:

your special thing, should you so choose can still be being a mum. Any one can procreate and give a child a lifetime of hell, the special thing is being a GOOD parent. I was really lucky, i had two kids already and they think my fertility hasn’t been compromised, but it was one of my hugest fears during this,Irefused to have my embryos frozen. You’re not being silly, regardless of whether or not you want kids in the here and now they have taken away your choices and that must be bloody hard. That can be your special thing if its what you want one day, being an amazfor thew time being i think having got through everything you have makes you pretty f***ing special!

October 11th, 2005 at 5:26 am
2 Aeryn Says:

Thank you so much Lorna! You just made my day a WHOLE lot better! :4:

I know I could still be a mom, am I would be an AMAZING one for sure, but it wouldn’t be a mixture of me and Chris. I mean, what would a little person from us look like? Skinny like me or strong like him? Have my blue eyes or his multi-colored ones?

Ah! What REALLY matters is that i’m HERE to bitch about it. :21:

Thanks again, Lorna. :1:

October 11th, 2005 at 6:51 am
3 Nae Says:

I am sending you a huge hug and I am with Lorna you are one special chick. Love you girl, Nae.

October 11th, 2005 at 9:05 am
4 Aeryn Says:

Nae, you are too sweet. You guys are making me blush! :9:

October 11th, 2005 at 12:06 pm
5 Beatrice Boyle Says:

Aeryn…It doesn’t take giving birth to a child to make you special…you already are in my book!

I understand how you feel…truly I do…but just the act of giving birth doesn’t qualify you or anyone else to being special…it is HOW you relate to that child/world that earns you that spot! You could have ten children and qualify for monster mother of the year award. It is the core of you that makes you special. It’s how you deal with life/people in your lifetime. You and Chris have a beautiful "special" relationship right now…nurture that gift from God, for finding true love does not come to everyone and having found it…is whatt makes you BOTH special in my book.

Cherish it and each other…make it your number one priority in life…after all, you chose EACH OTHER out of every one else in the world, you can’t feel any more special than that!

Everything else in life is just…ordinary!

Bea:3:

October 13th, 2005 at 3:00 am
6 Aeryn Says:

Bea, how is it that you ALWAYS know just the right thing to say to make me feel better? lolol YOU are special to me. :3:

Thanks for the boost! I really needed it. :1:

October 13th, 2005 at 3:34 pm
7 Nola Says:

Want to borrow mine? With a little plastic surgery, he could look JUST like you and Chris…

Hey, it’s a thought…

*hugs ya*

October 18th, 2005 at 1:09 am
8 Aeryn Says:

Nola, you are too kind. lol

I’ll make a deal with you, i’ll take one of your kids and you take my "special" kitty?? :4:

October 18th, 2005 at 1:44 am
9 Dana Says:

Boy can I relate. I am 32 and having a hot flash as we speak! They suck don’t they! I don’t have any great advice other than to say…you are a live and have a lot to offer those around you even if it’s not a child. I understand the loss of not having a child. We planned on having another baby…now that is gone. Hang in there!! You are in my prayers!

October 18th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
10 Nola Says:

"special kitty" would end up a "special rug"…

I have tolerance issues with potty control. Does it show? :4:

October 19th, 2005 at 6:26 pm
11 Aeryn Says:

Dana, you said it right. Hot flashes suck , but at least we are alive. lolol If I ever want kids I guess i’ll either adopt or "rent to own". :21:
Nola, "special kitty" would LOVE to come visit you and play with your kitties. :4:

October 19th, 2005 at 6:39 pm

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